What to Wear: The DOs of the Gilgamesh Effect

Writer: Virginia Spears

Now that we’re all faced with dealing with the living dead on a day-to-day basis, you might question why I’d bother putting together a list of something as seemingly trivial as clothing. But trust me, friends…these essentials could be the difference between life and being eaten alive.

1. Velcro tennis shoes

For those of us who grew up before the Gilgamesh Effect, we know most people didn’t wear Velcro tennis shoes past the age of 6. But these are now worth their weight in gold. I’ve seen first-hand the horrifying result something as simple as an undone shoelace can have when trying to escape a horde of zombies. Word of warning, however: Do NOT readjust the Velcro straps when near a zombie, because the loud “FWAAAPP!” of ripping it open will make the undead come at you like a spider monkey.

2. Sports bras (women)

Whether you’re running for your life or just kicking some zombie ass, the last thing you want to have to worry about is adjusting your bra strap. Sports bras are the practical, worry-free solution to keeping your girls supported.

3. Raincoats

This may not be feasible in the heat of the approaching summer, but any type of water-proof outerwear is recommended. If your encounter with a zombie turns ugly (and by ugly, I mean bloody), you’ll be glad you shielded yourself from the blood spatter. Especially useful if your weapon of choice is an axe, baseball bat or chainsaw.

4. Biker gloves

The best way to keep blisters off your hands while keeping the dexterity of your fingers is biker gloves. These are especially useful with blunt or heavier instruments, such as the axe or baseball bat.

5. Form-fitting clothing

No, I’m not recommending you dress like you just walked out of Hot Topic, but any loose clothing could give zombies an easy way to drag you away. Also avoid pants or jeans that are too long, so you don’t trip.

I’ll post more as they come to me. Hope this helps, fellow Southerners.

Brutes vs Brains: Who is the best companion?

Writer: Sarah Hutto

Let’s be honest.

You have friends. They’re your buddies now, but who are you going to turn to when you see a zombie heading toward you for that delicious nugget hiding in your skull?

Depends on the friend.

Most people will begin to form “allies” outside of their normal circle of friends when the zombie parties begin to show up. Now the problem lies in who you should pick to stand beside you (or who you should choose to run beside. . . got any slow friends?).

Do you go with the brawn? Should you select the biggest, beefiest brute you find to wield a machete? Or, should you pick the nerds from the library? Those people are clever with the traps and the locations. If it came down to one person you had to pick, whom would you choose?

Let’s explore the pros and cons of brains versus brawn.

Brutes: Pros

• Strength. These folks can wield anything from a machete to a baseball bat. A single football player could probably take out twice as many zombies as you with a chainsaw if given the chance. (See previous article on what weapon your brute should hold). Hand him a pipe. You see a silver object used for your plumbing at home. He sees a deadly weapon that’s perfect for smashing and bashing.

• Blood. There will be blood. There will be gore. Have you ever seen a rugby match? Or even a highly aggressive football game? These guys do not let the sight of blood stop them, and who cares if you break a toe or two? Gotta keep playing the game.

Brains: Pros

• Resources. When brutie up there is hacking away with a baseball bat, who’s going through library files looking for maps and resources? That’s right. The brains. They’ll have already mapped out where you can get weapons, food, shelter and water. 

• Communication. When the radios and televisions stop working, everyone sort of shrugs. Meh, radio. When the Internet goes down, the riots begin. With the only knowledge most people have is how to turn a computer on and update their Facebook, there’s not much hope to restore communication . . . unless you have a nerd. Not only have they been taking computers apart since they were five, they have already practiced the art of relaying signals through satellites. Need help? Call on a nerd.

Brutes: Cons

•  Food. What might fill your stomach only feels like a snack to them. They’re used to ordering huge hamburgers with eight glasses of powerade to ease them down. When things get scarce, well, have you ever seen a hungry bear? It’s not fun.

• Long distance. These thugs might be able to throw an axe, but then they have no axe. Who’s to help when thousands of zombies are coming from a mile away? Your brute will charge into the middle of the throes and get themselves killed in seconds.

Brains: Cons

• Power. Sure, they can fix your computer if the electricity is still on. But what happens when the power goes out due to a zombie hunger for electricians? Nobody can turn on a computer if the battery is dead and there’s no power. Unless your nerd happens to work out between reruns of Star Trek, then they too are out of luck.

• Speed. Due to long hours of typing code into a computer, the legs of nerds aren’t always as developed as a normal human being’s. As long as you can protect your nerd, you’ll be alright. What happens, however, when the zombies break through your basement? At least you get saved, because the nerd is going down first.

Those are just the basics, but it’s obvious that strategy is a very important part of the selection process. My selection? I’d go with the brute. I’m a nerd myself, but I know that the only thing I know how to do with a chainsaw is stare at it. So, are you an athlete that spends more time working out than reading books? You might be just my type.