Millbrook, Alabama

Update: Millbrook, Alabama.

Writer: Cody Muzio

Millbrook, Alabama. 

The last place you would expect a zombie outbreak.

It’s no Raccoon City or an abandoned amusement park, or anywhere else you’d anticipate seeing the dead walk.

It’s a small town that encapsulates every stereotype people hold about the South.

White picket fenced-in houses with people sitting on front porches and rowdy redneck teens with shotguns drunkenly driving through mud bogs in the back. 

At least, that’s what it was like before the Gilgamesh Effect set in.

Now it’s… eerily similar.

There are zombies now, of course, and that’s where the big differences come in, but even with that said, life’s not too bad here. 

Most of our businesses are small, except for the Wal-Mart, and most only have one door. 

If you keep it bolted, most zombies aren’t bright enough to get in, though some shop owners will leave their doors unlocked just for the fun of shooting the necrified ex-humans as they walk in. 

For the most part, one can go about their daily life as normal around here, provided they’re armed. 

Hunting rifles (and shotguns) are a southern staple, and around here, there is a good amount of hay so pitchforks are easy to find, too, and can be put to good use.

Something I never expected is the use of the garden hoe, however, an outgrowth of the fact that (pre-Gilgamesh Effect) Millbrook played home to many avid gardeners.

You wouldn’t think it, but I’ve seen enough people around here wield a hoe to decapitate, split skulls and bludgeon brains, that I’ve got good faith in the tool’s use as a valid anti-zombie weapon.

As long as you’ve got one of these (or, really, whatever your personal pick may be), you can live a nice life in Millbrook still. 

Here’s the main reason why: Millbrook zombies are predictable.

The humanoid ones, anyway (zombified animals can be tricky, but more on that another day).

Want me to let you in on a secret I’ve picked up? 

If a person had a habit firmly enough ingrained into them in life, they'd still follow a form of that as a zombie.

And Millbrook is a habit-inducing place.  Always has been.

No, zombies obviously aren’t going to act exactly as they did as true living people, but there is an unmistakable semblance of routine.

Zombies don’t really sleep, but they do rest, and often you can find them on the front porches I mentioned earlier doing just that.

Can zombies drive cars?  Thank GOD, no.

But younger, high-school aged zombies can frequently be seen milling around various places a high-schooler might attend depending on the type of kid they once were, such as the aforementioned mud bogs (my personal favorite zombie location).

It’s become sport in the area from time to time to head out to a muddied field and pick off the zombies hopelessly stuck flailing around waist deep in mud.

Your redneck types are also spotted in the woods, sometimes trying unsuccessfully to get into tree stands as if there’s something calling them there that says they need the high ground.

Public schools are also havens for zombies during early hours, which makes it optimal time for running errands around town.

Don’t ever try to go there, though. 

Even skilled zombie hunters stay away.  There are too many halls and rooms and closets that there’s just no way to watch all sides.

If you venture into a school during zombie time… I pray you’re right with God.

Which brings me to a much better place to consider: churches. 

Sacrilegious as it sounds, these are some of the best places for killing zombies… if you’re the kind that enjoys doing so for fun.

You see, like I said, habits that are deep enough remain in zombies, and Millbrook is a place where there’s not a lot going on.

People do the same things day after day after day after day.

And so do zombies somewhat. 

They’re easily distracted and won’t always flock to the same locations at the same time as they would in life, and they certainly won’t do anything while they’re there (ever seen a zombie sing gospel music?  It won’t happen… which is probably a good thing).

Yet, there still seems to be something planted in their mush brains telling them this is where they need to be.

Thrill seekers have made it a point to visit churches in Millbrook and its surrounding area on Sunday mornings (how zombies seem to keep track of days when I’ve been known to sleep through Thursday still blows my mind) and go nuts. 

You’ll find scores packed into the sanctuary scuffling around, and it is, admittedly, quite impressive to watch these teams bust through stained glass windows with automatic weapons blazing and blades strapped to their backs and then see them cut through the horde like something out of a Wachowski Brothers film.

If you’re ever on your way through, or you’re looking for a nice place to settle and given up on the idea of a zombie-less safe-haven, Millbrook will do you right. 

Keep in mind where the zombies will be at what time and make sure you’ve got something on you for the occasional wanderer, and life here is not too bad. 

There’s not too many of us still here, but we make do and enjoy each other’s company.

We even have a Millbrook marriage coming up soon.

One final warning, though… while most zombie habits aren’t of the same intensity as human habits, there is one that seems to actually increase in fervor after infection.

I hate to say it, but if you’re black and in Millbrook… run.

Top 10 Instruments of Doom

Modern Tools vs Zombies

Comment that inspired this post:

            “How would 21st-century technology come into fighting off the hordes? I understand that we are limited in what we can fight with (assuming throwing BlackBerrys at the living dead doesn't work), but what is one advantage to having modern technology?”

Throwing your BlackBerry at a zombie is only a good idea if you’re trapped and it’s a last stand type of deal.

So, that is only advised in a “oh-shit-I’m-about-to-die” type sitch.

Now, let’s talk modern technology versus our Gilgamesh zombies.

First of all, I’m defining ‘modern technology’ as everyday things that most people have. I have asked a few of the South’s citizens what their favorite weapon of choice was when the zombie attack was in full swing and from that, I have compiled a list.

Top 10 Instruments of Doom

The South's Favorites

1.     Machete

Hands down, this was the number one favorite killer of zombies when shit hit the fan. I would couple this with all other bladed-weapons, but many people specifically used machetes.

Reasoning (as given by a Nina Scaletti): “Blades don’t need reloadin’.” True that, Nina. True that.

2.     Shotgun

I feel like no matter what the situation is, the South’s love of shotguns remains strong. This firearm was a crowd-pleaser. This usually smoothbore weapon was often used in a conjunction with our beloved machetes.

Reasoning: It’s a shotgun.

3.     Crossbow

Surprisingly, the crossbow was also very popular during the dead siege. For seasoned hunters, the crossbow changed a need to survive into a competitive sport. It may not be the weapon you need for the up close and personal meetings, but for long range it was just like shooting fish in a barrel.

Reasoning: You can pin them to trees… and easy recovery of ammo.

4.     Ax

I don’t need to speculate why some people chose an ax as their primary weapon. People cleaved like there was no tomorrow. Nothing beats the feel of a baseball bat that has a sharp blade attached to its end.

Reasoning: “There’s nothing like yelling ‘Off with their heads!’ while chopping zombies’ noggins off.”

5.     Swords

I was surprised at the amount of people in the South that owned swords. However, this bladed-weapon was seen often, wielded by wannabe samurais and Lord of the Ring fanatics.

Reasoning: You can’t beat the classy of a nice sword.

Now that we’ve done the top five favorite zombie weapons, the next five are less sensible but definitely the more creative weapons that people used during the thick of the apocalypse.

6.     Pitchfork

This is the farmer’s weapon of choice (minus the shotgun) with its sharp prongs and enough reach to where you didn’t have to be all up in your target’s face.

Con: When surrounded by zombies, using a pitchfork can be a slow, tedious affair.

7.     Vehicle

They may make noise, but these were used to basically run over zombies in mass. Depending on what kind of vehicle you had, maiming the walking dead in this manner was definitely a worthwhile practice.

Con: Not all vehicles are created equal. The Prius may be cute, but it can only take so much.

8.     Chainsaw

Blades. Revolving. Makes sense. You don’t have to use a ton of strength to cut off their heads, just push it at them.

Con: Let’s revisit the zombie rules. Noise drives them crazy. Chainsaws are extremely loud and, even if they are handy one-on-one, if you attract 20 of them with its noise, there could be some problems with killing all of the rest without getting hurt.

9.     Homemade flamethrower

Women tended to use this the most during the beginning of the onslaught. Ample amount of hairspray and lighters, they would draw the zombies away from their homes and torch the suckers and let them burn out.

Con: Zombies don’t freak out when on fire, even if it eventually stops them and rekills them. So if you torch them too close to your home, there’s a good chance they will catch it on fire. Or you for that matter.

10. Baseball bat

It’s simple and to the point. A blunt object, if swung right, can knock your zombie attackers away long enough for you to run. If you’re upper arm strength is amazing, you can even do some real damage to their head but it might take a while.

Con: People who lack upper arm strength may as well be swatting the zombies with a twig. Without a blade attached, this weapon is more of a defensive one rather than offensive.

There it is. The Top 10 Instruments of Doom. These were and are the favorites of the South. I’m sure there are a lot more, and if you would like to share your personal favorite or a story about a time you used something particularly interesting, let me know! Leave a comment or e-mail me at gilgamesh.advisor@gmail.com.

Remember guys, I WILL respond via blog, so don’t be shy!

The Revised Rules of Zombies

It didn’t matter how many “just-in-case” plans people went over before the Giglamesh Effect was sprung on the 21st century.

No matter how detailed or thorough, all scenarios hinged on one main factor- the zombies themselves.

At first, most people based their moves on what went on in popular movies and video games.

Don’t get bitten or scratched.

Don’t make noise.

Chop of their heads.

Never go into the dark room.

Always check your surroundings.

Don’t be out of shape.

Don’t try to save the dog.

These points are, arguably, okay procedures to follow.

However, the zombies in those movies and games aren’t the living dead that the 21st century had to deal with.

First off all, let me address the biggest concern people should have when in the midst of a zombie apocalypse.

Zombies do not have one set speed.

They aren’t all as fast as track athletes and aren’t all as slow as Grandma with a gimp leg.

Our Gilgamesh zombies are fast/slow based on certain factors.

1.     Age

If the zombie is old, it will naturally be slower than an 18-year-old turned. If the zombie is a toddler, it will stumble over its awkward little legs. Just because they’ve been zombielike, doesn’t mean they become the Flash.

2.     Weight

This should be self-explanatory. If a human weighs 110 pounds and they are turned, they will be faster than a 300-pound zombie.

3.     Habits

If in their past life, said zombies were majorly athletic and had wicked awesome endurance and stamina, then watch out. These habits usually do transfer. The same goes for the glorified couch potatoes who enjoyed a rousing game of “quote-word-for-word-this-Family-Guy-episode” instead of venturing out into the world. Most likely you will be able to walk away from those hunters-of-the-living.

4.     Sound

This is the weirdest factor for how zombies move about. Countless movies, games and shows have harped on the importance of not making sound when the walking dead are near. It makes sense. If you don’t want them knowing you are near, don’t hit over the table that has 7520859 glass vases on it.

However, after the Gilgamesh Effect went into… effect… a Wayburn Thomas made the discovery that zombies have an intense reaction to sound. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that they hate it. HATE IT. Any continuous sound sends them into a frenzy and they try, with all of their zombielike might, to destroy the origin. In this aspect, I equate them to the Tyrannosaurs Rex. If you are right in front of a zombie and don’t make any sudden movements or noise, then you might go unnoticed.  But, oh dear goodness, if you start to scream, no matter the age, weight or habits of a zombie, it will try to run at you as fast as its dead legs can carry it.

Now, I’m not saying that zombies will only come after you if you make a really loud noise. Some zombies, for whatever reason, have ridiculously observant hearing and can pick out someone breathing with no problem. However, my love goes out to the elderly zombies. Usually you can scream at them from a few feet away and they won’t even react…unless they smell you.

5.     Smell

Being among the dead means one sense above them all will sharpen extremely. That sense is SMELL. But not the smells you would think. Zombies are walking radar detectors for bad body odor and bad breath.

?!?!

Maybe its God’s way of telling human they aren’t allowed to stink anymore, but either way, if a zombie smells your sweaty body odor or stank breath, they will enter a frenzy much like the ones induced by noise, and try to rip you apart.

This is why cologne and mint companies have become some of the leading businesses in this post-apocalyptic world.

6.     Paralyzed

I don’t feel foolish at all for putting this category. If a human was paralyzed before they were turned, then, as zombies, they stay paralyzed. If there is ANY category that I tell people to TAKE EXTREME CAUTION with, it is this one. Just because they are limited in their mobility, paralyzed zombies still will come after you! By any means! THEY WILL CRAWL! It is the crawlers that kill people the easiest.

So, word of advice: ALWAYS LOOK DOWN! Crawlers are a bitch.

Everyone had to fix their survival plans accordingly once these pieces of knowledge came to light, but I still see some people forgetting these factors today.

Before you leave the house, bath in cologne and, dear God, brush your teeth.

Now, secondly, I’d like to touch base on the obvious concerns.

No one has one hell about the disease that keeps these dead members of society in motion.

We just know you can’t come back from being dead and once you’ve been bitten it’s game over.

That much the movies have gotten right.

Aside from their state of being in a frenzy, zombies are consistently trying to bite. Not necessarily feed.

Sometimes, zombies will just bite a person once, then go away, while other zombies will take one bite and then keep munching until they’re satisfied.

Scientists, doctors, curious bloggers, etc. haven’t discovered the rhyme or reason behind why some Gilgamesh-cursed will pick certain people to only bite and then others to kill.

But there have been the uprising of cults that believe this is God’s way of distinguishing “the Damned” (the ones that get bitten and must then turn into zombies) and “the Chosen” (the ones who are allowed to die and go to Heaven).

There have been incidents where these over-enthused believers have actually found a zombie and let it have its way with them. Mass suicide by punch? Nah, mass suicide by zombie is more convenient.

Regardless of your religious beliefs or your life before the Gilgamesh Effect, the one fact remains: Zombies happened.

Now that we all know the ways of these newest members of the walking dead, people need to keep acting accordingly.

Chew on these until my next post (which will be updates on the South):

Bathe in cologne.

Brush your teeth.

Don’t be too loud.

and

ALWAYS LOOK DOWN!

Tablet Six

The Epic of Gilgamesh dates all the way back to Ancient Mesopotamia. It’s a poem depicting the story of a local warrior named Gilgamesh and his adventures across the Middle East. It is written across twelve stone tablets, each one a new chapter of his story. The sixth one is about zombies.

“Father give me the Bull of Heaven,


So he can kill Gilgamesh in his dwelling.

If you do not give me the Bull of Heaven,


I will knock down the Gates of the Netherworld,


I will smash the doorposts, and leave the doors flat down,


and will let the dead go up to eat the living!


And the dead will outnumber the living!”

This was the first recorded mention of the walking dead.

Now, to the present.

Zombies happen. It’s as simple and complicated as that.

To say that the world was prepared for the outbreak is stretching the truth a bit thin, but we weren’t exactly sitting ducks.  When the outbreak, eventually nicknamed the “Gilgamesh Effect,” began to spread across the world, a lot of people died. Slaughtered by loved ones and strangers. But, surprisingly, the 21st century was stubborn.

There were no rolling black outs, there were no shortages of food, the Internet never deceased to exist for a moment and World War 3 or Z didn’t break out.

The only big thing that happened was paper media (newspapers, magazines) just stopped being distributed. Why walk around for information when you can hop on the Web in two clicks?

But really, how did we survive the zombie apocalypse?

Quite frankly, I credit the freaks of the world.

Yes, the freaks.

The paranoid extremists.

The people who took their “just-in-case-zombie-outbreak” plan way too seriously.

The killers that were finally given free reign.

The hunters that loved the thrill of the chase.

The mentally insane who went buck wild.

And, the video gamers who had experience with this sort of thing.

The socially frowned upon picked up the slack of the emotionally terrified.

The “freaks” saved our asses.

Now, five years after the outbreak, the world is returning to normal. Or, rather, evolving to a new normal. For the next few months I will be keeping the South up-to-date on the changes sweeping the nation while also awaiting the launch of one of the first online publications for the South since the outbreak that will happen in the next few months.


So stay safe, kids.