The Revised Rules of Zombies

It didn’t matter how many “just-in-case” plans people went over before the Giglamesh Effect was sprung on the 21st century.

No matter how detailed or thorough, all scenarios hinged on one main factor- the zombies themselves.

At first, most people based their moves on what went on in popular movies and video games.

Don’t get bitten or scratched.

Don’t make noise.

Chop of their heads.

Never go into the dark room.

Always check your surroundings.

Don’t be out of shape.

Don’t try to save the dog.

These points are, arguably, okay procedures to follow.

However, the zombies in those movies and games aren’t the living dead that the 21st century had to deal with.

First off all, let me address the biggest concern people should have when in the midst of a zombie apocalypse.

Zombies do not have one set speed.

They aren’t all as fast as track athletes and aren’t all as slow as Grandma with a gimp leg.

Our Gilgamesh zombies are fast/slow based on certain factors.

1.     Age

If the zombie is old, it will naturally be slower than an 18-year-old turned. If the zombie is a toddler, it will stumble over its awkward little legs. Just because they’ve been zombielike, doesn’t mean they become the Flash.

2.     Weight

This should be self-explanatory. If a human weighs 110 pounds and they are turned, they will be faster than a 300-pound zombie.

3.     Habits

If in their past life, said zombies were majorly athletic and had wicked awesome endurance and stamina, then watch out. These habits usually do transfer. The same goes for the glorified couch potatoes who enjoyed a rousing game of “quote-word-for-word-this-Family-Guy-episode” instead of venturing out into the world. Most likely you will be able to walk away from those hunters-of-the-living.

4.     Sound

This is the weirdest factor for how zombies move about. Countless movies, games and shows have harped on the importance of not making sound when the walking dead are near. It makes sense. If you don’t want them knowing you are near, don’t hit over the table that has 7520859 glass vases on it.

However, after the Gilgamesh Effect went into… effect… a Wayburn Thomas made the discovery that zombies have an intense reaction to sound. In fact, I think it’s safe to say that they hate it. HATE IT. Any continuous sound sends them into a frenzy and they try, with all of their zombielike might, to destroy the origin. In this aspect, I equate them to the Tyrannosaurs Rex. If you are right in front of a zombie and don’t make any sudden movements or noise, then you might go unnoticed.  But, oh dear goodness, if you start to scream, no matter the age, weight or habits of a zombie, it will try to run at you as fast as its dead legs can carry it.

Now, I’m not saying that zombies will only come after you if you make a really loud noise. Some zombies, for whatever reason, have ridiculously observant hearing and can pick out someone breathing with no problem. However, my love goes out to the elderly zombies. Usually you can scream at them from a few feet away and they won’t even react…unless they smell you.

5.     Smell

Being among the dead means one sense above them all will sharpen extremely. That sense is SMELL. But not the smells you would think. Zombies are walking radar detectors for bad body odor and bad breath.

?!?!

Maybe its God’s way of telling human they aren’t allowed to stink anymore, but either way, if a zombie smells your sweaty body odor or stank breath, they will enter a frenzy much like the ones induced by noise, and try to rip you apart.

This is why cologne and mint companies have become some of the leading businesses in this post-apocalyptic world.

6.     Paralyzed

I don’t feel foolish at all for putting this category. If a human was paralyzed before they were turned, then, as zombies, they stay paralyzed. If there is ANY category that I tell people to TAKE EXTREME CAUTION with, it is this one. Just because they are limited in their mobility, paralyzed zombies still will come after you! By any means! THEY WILL CRAWL! It is the crawlers that kill people the easiest.

So, word of advice: ALWAYS LOOK DOWN! Crawlers are a bitch.

Everyone had to fix their survival plans accordingly once these pieces of knowledge came to light, but I still see some people forgetting these factors today.

Before you leave the house, bath in cologne and, dear God, brush your teeth.

Now, secondly, I’d like to touch base on the obvious concerns.

No one has one hell about the disease that keeps these dead members of society in motion.

We just know you can’t come back from being dead and once you’ve been bitten it’s game over.

That much the movies have gotten right.

Aside from their state of being in a frenzy, zombies are consistently trying to bite. Not necessarily feed.

Sometimes, zombies will just bite a person once, then go away, while other zombies will take one bite and then keep munching until they’re satisfied.

Scientists, doctors, curious bloggers, etc. haven’t discovered the rhyme or reason behind why some Gilgamesh-cursed will pick certain people to only bite and then others to kill.

But there have been the uprising of cults that believe this is God’s way of distinguishing “the Damned” (the ones that get bitten and must then turn into zombies) and “the Chosen” (the ones who are allowed to die and go to Heaven).

There have been incidents where these over-enthused believers have actually found a zombie and let it have its way with them. Mass suicide by punch? Nah, mass suicide by zombie is more convenient.

Regardless of your religious beliefs or your life before the Gilgamesh Effect, the one fact remains: Zombies happened.

Now that we all know the ways of these newest members of the walking dead, people need to keep acting accordingly.

Chew on these until my next post (which will be updates on the South):

Bathe in cologne.

Brush your teeth.

Don’t be too loud.

and

ALWAYS LOOK DOWN!