Top 10 Instruments of Doom

Modern Tools vs Zombies

Comment that inspired this post:

            “How would 21st-century technology come into fighting off the hordes? I understand that we are limited in what we can fight with (assuming throwing BlackBerrys at the living dead doesn't work), but what is one advantage to having modern technology?”

Throwing your BlackBerry at a zombie is only a good idea if you’re trapped and it’s a last stand type of deal.

So, that is only advised in a “oh-shit-I’m-about-to-die” type sitch.

Now, let’s talk modern technology versus our Gilgamesh zombies.

First of all, I’m defining ‘modern technology’ as everyday things that most people have. I have asked a few of the South’s citizens what their favorite weapon of choice was when the zombie attack was in full swing and from that, I have compiled a list.

Top 10 Instruments of Doom

The South's Favorites

1.     Machete

Hands down, this was the number one favorite killer of zombies when shit hit the fan. I would couple this with all other bladed-weapons, but many people specifically used machetes.

Reasoning (as given by a Nina Scaletti): “Blades don’t need reloadin’.” True that, Nina. True that.

2.     Shotgun

I feel like no matter what the situation is, the South’s love of shotguns remains strong. This firearm was a crowd-pleaser. This usually smoothbore weapon was often used in a conjunction with our beloved machetes.

Reasoning: It’s a shotgun.

3.     Crossbow

Surprisingly, the crossbow was also very popular during the dead siege. For seasoned hunters, the crossbow changed a need to survive into a competitive sport. It may not be the weapon you need for the up close and personal meetings, but for long range it was just like shooting fish in a barrel.

Reasoning: You can pin them to trees… and easy recovery of ammo.

4.     Ax

I don’t need to speculate why some people chose an ax as their primary weapon. People cleaved like there was no tomorrow. Nothing beats the feel of a baseball bat that has a sharp blade attached to its end.

Reasoning: “There’s nothing like yelling ‘Off with their heads!’ while chopping zombies’ noggins off.”

5.     Swords

I was surprised at the amount of people in the South that owned swords. However, this bladed-weapon was seen often, wielded by wannabe samurais and Lord of the Ring fanatics.

Reasoning: You can’t beat the classy of a nice sword.

Now that we’ve done the top five favorite zombie weapons, the next five are less sensible but definitely the more creative weapons that people used during the thick of the apocalypse.

6.     Pitchfork

This is the farmer’s weapon of choice (minus the shotgun) with its sharp prongs and enough reach to where you didn’t have to be all up in your target’s face.

Con: When surrounded by zombies, using a pitchfork can be a slow, tedious affair.

7.     Vehicle

They may make noise, but these were used to basically run over zombies in mass. Depending on what kind of vehicle you had, maiming the walking dead in this manner was definitely a worthwhile practice.

Con: Not all vehicles are created equal. The Prius may be cute, but it can only take so much.

8.     Chainsaw

Blades. Revolving. Makes sense. You don’t have to use a ton of strength to cut off their heads, just push it at them.

Con: Let’s revisit the zombie rules. Noise drives them crazy. Chainsaws are extremely loud and, even if they are handy one-on-one, if you attract 20 of them with its noise, there could be some problems with killing all of the rest without getting hurt.

9.     Homemade flamethrower

Women tended to use this the most during the beginning of the onslaught. Ample amount of hairspray and lighters, they would draw the zombies away from their homes and torch the suckers and let them burn out.

Con: Zombies don’t freak out when on fire, even if it eventually stops them and rekills them. So if you torch them too close to your home, there’s a good chance they will catch it on fire. Or you for that matter.

10. Baseball bat

It’s simple and to the point. A blunt object, if swung right, can knock your zombie attackers away long enough for you to run. If you’re upper arm strength is amazing, you can even do some real damage to their head but it might take a while.

Con: People who lack upper arm strength may as well be swatting the zombies with a twig. Without a blade attached, this weapon is more of a defensive one rather than offensive.

There it is. The Top 10 Instruments of Doom. These were and are the favorites of the South. I’m sure there are a lot more, and if you would like to share your personal favorite or a story about a time you used something particularly interesting, let me know! Leave a comment or e-mail me at gilgamesh.advisor@gmail.com.

Remember guys, I WILL respond via blog, so don’t be shy!