Website Launch- Huzzah!

http://tabletsix.com/

Website--say wha?

Yes! The time is almost here!


Tablet Six will be transcending into a full-fledged website starting next week! From a blog to a website catered to providing and entertaining the masses, Tablet Six is doing great things!


In the meantime add us on Twitter (tabletsix) and Facebook (also Tablet Six).


Thanks guys,


Stay safe!

666 Event Article: Humanity and Survival

666 Event Article
Written by: Savannah Harrison


Those who had studied the lore of the undead prior to the Gilgamesh Effect were the real wild cards. The conspiracy theorists who truly believed the government was trying to develop a virus that would cause the living to become something much more dangerous; the religious rabble-rousers who used the Bible to spread the fear of the dead walking the earth; and the kids who grew up with videogames, movies and books that offered a variety of zombie tips and tricks to live by were the ones pegged as prepared. Especially the latter group – who thought they were invincible because they knew the basics: aim for the head, don’t get bitten, don’t get separated from the group, avoid strangers, avoid populated areas, don’t die (and, if you have to, do so by your own hand).

But it didn’t always play out that way, because the rules that applied to hypothetical zombie outbreaks pre-G.E. didn’t always apply to the real thing. Furthermore, in some instances, playing by the rules just didn’t matter.

Before zombies bridged the gap between nightmare and reality, I was as obsessed with the subject as any modern day z-head. I owned all the books, watched all Romero’s gruesome movies and played all the games. I jokingly swore that Max Brooks had come from the future to warn us of the inevitable zombie apocalypse with The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z and spent hours ruminating with friends and family about the best way to zombie-proof a house. Once, a near stranger even chose me as the ultimate zombie-fighting weapon.

Point blank: When it happened, I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t a weapon. I was nothing more than a scared child with an imagined edge that didn’t matter in the face of the real thing.  

I survived the war with the undead or, at least, the worst of it – considering the world isn’t wiped completely clean of the threat, none of us are truly survivors just yet. But I didn’t survive it because I’d read The Zombie Survival Guide a thousand and one times or even because I’d come to empathize with the shambling dead through The Zen of Zombie.

I didn’t follow the rules. I didn’t shoot for the head. I didn’t flee to colder, wilder terrain. I didn’t learn to ride a bike. I didn’t burn the stairs. I didn’t board up the house. I didn’t avoid public venues. I didn’t stay calm. I didn’t have a plan. I broke the rules.  I found my mother. I protected my cat. I jeopardized myself for others. I remained human, feeling, sympathetic. And somehow – mostly thanks to luck – me and mine are still alive.

The thing that most zombie fans forgot in poring over their various handbooks is that humanity is the only difference between us and them. We are not calculating, perfect killing machines. Most of us cannot even imagine pointing a gun at the reanimated body of a loved one, friend or even a stranger. Most of us still want to aid the screaming child or the crippled adult. Most of us do not have the thrill of the hunt or even the will to survive engrained deeply enough into us because, before The Gilgamesh Effect, that was not the world we knew.

Here’s what I learned, though, here’s the golden rule that came to me in my darkest zombie days: when facing the supernatural, book smarts and preparedness don’t make you any less human or any less fallible. And, if they did, how would we be any different from our newfound enemy?

666 Event Article: Update on New York

666 Event Article

Written by: Ki Arnould

Hey, all you friends in Alabama! I’m in Syracuse, NY right now, but I was raised in the South and have been dying for updates. It’s been a crazy few years.

Here in central New York, we’re getting the zombie infestation under control. As I’m sure you know, NYC was sealed off from the rest of the state; it turned out that the undead Manhattanites the most vicious, voracious zombies ever encountered. They were next to unkillable. I’m guessing they got it from the cockroaches.

There’s a lot more to the state of New York than that tiny little island, so to be honest, none of us are all that bummed about the loss. The city crowd was mostly bloodthirsty monsters, even before the outbreak.

But in New York State, we’re finding ways to handle the hordes. These zombies sure don’t like the cold! It slows their movements considerably. They’re drawn to heat; out in the rural areas, ambitious hunters have begun lighting giant bonfires that draw the undead, then perch in a treetop and pick them off with high-caliber rounds as they head for the bright, merry flames. At the end of a decent-sized massacre, the snow is dark with ash and peach-colored with aging blood spatters. Disassembled bodies litter the ground like small boulders. They douse the field with flammables and let it burn.

Not everyone feels so comfortable in the country. Too much space, too secluded. So we remain in mid-sized cities, usually the suburbs. Unfortunately, the snow is impossible to manage without using loud vehicles. In order to keep the streets clear, we had no choice but to use plows, which were outfitted with an elaborate web of blades and blunt metal, plus plenty of rations in case their plow was overrun. Luckily, a plow was never overtaken; our paranoia wasn’t necessary.

In fact, it became one of our favorite pastimes, running up to the ledge of our three-story protective wall to watch the snowplow rumble past the building. Frozen bodies of the less-hardy zombies, half-buried in snow, would tumble weirdly before the plow’s massive expanse, legs and arms snapping off like dry twigs. Behind the plow would be a trail of disgruntled, loping zombies, their jaws unhinged in contempt, grabbing madly for the rear of the grumbling plow. They never held on for long; the cold blades, the bumping motion, and their dead weight would soon slice their grips, and that’s assuming that we hadn’t picked them off for target practice. What a magical Christmas memory.

By January, many of the zombies wandering outdoors freeze in the snow. Giant, half-human ice blocks poke out of the snowdrifts, easy pickings for even the youngest kids in our community. On a particularly frozen night, the zombie’s body might even shatter. In fact, I even spotted a pair of hunters tipping a body over the side of a 15-story parking deck. It hit the ground with a sound like cracking rocks. That zombie didn’t so much as twitch.

Now that the snow is melting, it’s not uncommon for a thawing zombie to pop up out of the slush, eager to prey on whatever roused them from their winter slumber. They remind me of bloody daisies, springing to life as the earth begins to thaw. I’ve often imagined the game, “he loves me, he loves me not,” as my crew and I dismember them.

Speaking of crews, I’m proud to say that a few nerds have survived the Gilgamesh Effect’s worst years! Several have begun creating iTunes and smartphone apps to aid in detecting and destroying the undead. For example, I use an app that monitors the sound levels in the area, providing a decibel measurement to make sure you keep it quiet. It also tracks errant sound within a 200-foot radius, which lets you know if your noise hits a dangerous decibel, and the latest updates have even begun to identify between animals, zombies, humans, and the dreaded crawlers. Man, crawlers really are a bitch.

Another app lets your device project a high pulsing noise about 30 feet away from your location; it’s a simple app that provides a short distraction for the undead, giving you a few crucial seconds of escape time. Or you can just use it to piss them off. I think they’re kinda funny when they’re angry.

There’s a few limitations to surviving up north, and some of our information is spotty, so I’ll end by posing a few questions. How do the zombies react to the summer heat down south? Do they seek shelters to avoid the heat? Do they burn in the sun? Are there central locations where people are heading to be together, or are people mostly sticking to the outskirts and living low?

666 Event Article: A Look into the Past

666 Event Article

Written by: Kris Walker

Yuh, I always wanted my fifteen minutes of fame. Problem is, the damn apocalypse didn’t go as planned-- cause it ain’t an apocalypse. Zombies everywhere but most of the world is kicking, which is why I’m still a nobody. For now. Tablet Six is my fifteen minutes, and if I got sumthin’ to say about it, this is gonna be fifteen minutes of forever.

Yuh, I’m with you-- five years ago, I clustered with my little group of nobodies behind the school and bullshitted about death by zombies. Watched the rednecks growling around in their trying-too-hard trucks, told each other-- yuh-- the zombies would catch them asleep in their Duckheads and Dockers. But we’d live, we’d be the freakin’ kings cause we already had it planned.

Problem is, half of us were dead in the first five. No lie. We were at school, man. We didn’t know. One minute we’re talking bones, the next it’s brains and the lunch line started with us. Just lucky I was in AP anatomy with the other pasty-faced nerdlings-- what if it had been gym? With jocks? Toast, man. Chomp chomp, lights out.

I said half, but it was more like half of half-- until they started long division with their teeth. Zombies love math if it involves eating, and this was like fat kids in a snack cake factory. And that ain’t a metaphor, survivor...this was literally a flock of Boomers on the Twinkie farm.

But I’m not a damn twinkie, so I got the heck out. Like I said, I knew it was coming eventually, man-- I knew-- one look at the fatties getting hungry and I jammed a #2 pencil (freshly sharpened, in fact) into the nearest deader’s face and hit the window. Thank God I was right, man. Wouldn’t thatta been a mess. But shoot man, I knew. Like a mullet knows a red neck.

“Damn, shoulda used a stunt double,” cause I still thought this was a movie, reckon, and I guess that was ketchup on my face. Yuh. And cheerleaders have a secret fetish for ketchup-licking, too, which was why they were drooling and running in on my three o’clock. Fast.

The parkour is for the zombie apocalypse, I always told people-- mostly cause I knew as well as they did I looked retarded out there trying to hump my way up a rain gutter. I always think I’m right, but I had no idea I’d be right-- I was just a snot-nosed kid who kept confusing being weird for being clever. So I took a moment for a well I’ll be damned until I realized it didn’t taste like ketchup.

Went zipping through the parking lot in my velcro Converse-- way before they were mainstream-- and put a chain link fence between me and the newly hungry anorexics. And I tell you what...I’ve never said a bad thing about rednecks since. That I meant, anyhow. This was Alabama. Nobody locked their doors and everyone had guns. It’s almost like they were planning for the zombie apocalypse; which kinda pisses me off. I thought I was cool, man.

Feel bad, though, kinda...the truck I went to, man, I won’t lie-- I been back since, and it’s still there. I tell myself he was an offbrand stick of camo jerky in the first five, yuh, the hick equivalent of Jiggles the Chomp Chomp that I vision corrected with the #2...but I don’t know, man. All I know is no way he made it out on foot. No way. So ever since I speak the drawl, ya know, like a little speech pathology memorial.

And the truck was like a gun monkey’s wet dream. Only problem was, there I was, zombies trying to fit through the holes in the chain link fences-- yuh, cheerleaders are bright-- guns everywhere, and I realized that like maybe I should have fired a gun before.

C’mon, you know how it is. Get your 12 nobodies playing hacky sack and planning out their little evac action movies, and you kinda forget that the only person who knows how to shoot is that one fat kid who can’t run, so like that’s his only shot. Plus since Columbine it makes the jocks nervous. Like maybe they’ll make the list. Which they will, let’s face it, but all he’s gonna do is cry on it. And maybe like, ten years down the road, fill his swimming pool with money and think that’ll show ‘em.

Except our firearms expert was already a 12 course meal, and not one of these guns-- not one-- had a left-mouse button.

(to be continued)

         

666 Event Article: Interview with the Secretary of Undead Defense

666 Event Article

Interview by: Scott Walker

Interview with the Secretary of Undead Defense, Samuel Watkins

Samuel Watkins is the first and current Secretary of Undead Defense. His swift actions following the Gilgamesh Effect led to the almost immediate stabilization and prevention of a zombie apocalypse. His group of followers nicknamed “The Unconquerable” helped eliminate the majority of undead in the D.C. area. Following the liberation of the capitol, he was appointed as Secretary of Undead Defense and swiftly brought the United States back to relative normalcy. The following is an edited version of an interview with Samuel Watkins.

I: Welcome, Mr. Secretary, and thank you for seeing us.

S: It’s my pleasure. The Times always speaks so kindly of me.

I: So, we understand you are trying to gather support for government action in other countries. Could you tell us a little more about it?

S: Of course, it may not be common knowledge to the people of the United States, but many other countries did not fare quite as well as we did. I propose government action to send relief to refugees, undead elimination services to those in dire straights, and military intervention to those countries or groups that seek to profit from the suffering of others.

I: What’s the situation like in other countries?

S: A few countries rallied quite spectacularly, others not so well. Africa is in a mess. There are few points of government there. In Asia, China became a zombie deathtrap and it’s government has blockaded itself within the forbidden city. In Europe, the United Kingdom and Ireland were pretty much wiped off the map. Trust me, you don’t want to be trapped on an island with little weapons. The remains of their government are located in Belgium. South America might be the worst off and not from zombies. Various gangs began snatching up land from the government and people and promising them protection. It’s basically a feudal system run by thugs now. It’s not pretty.

I: That sounds terrible. You mentioned that some countries rallied well?

S: The majority of Europe managed only slightly worse than we did. Russia’s doing well but the borders it actually polices has dropped significantly. It’s probably smaller than Texas now. India is doing well despite its split into Northern and Southern parts. The Muslim countries fared quite well in most parts. The country that fared the best though was probably Thailand. They not only rebuffed the undead swiftly but also reached and took over Myanmar, Cambodia, Laos, and the Northern part of Vietnam. They are currently keeping a large number of people safe from the vast horde that lies on the other side of the Chinese border.

I: It’s good to know that other countries are staying strong in these hard times. What would you say is the biggest change in lifestyle since the Gilgamesh Effect?

S: There really hasn’t been a huge difference for most people who survived the initial outbreak unless you’re military. There has been a huge emphasis on physical education in schools conditioning students for running or fighting undead. Paper media was so hindered by the initial outbreak that it ceased almost immediately, but all the Gilgamesh Effect did was hasten it as, in my opinion, it was already on its way out. The digital community changed the least to me. Spend a few hours on the Internet and you might believe that Stephenie Meyer wrote a zombie book instead of the “zombie apocalypse.”

I: I understand that you’re just finishing up your Undead Prevention and Elimination Campaign (UPEC.) Has the campaign been as successful as you’d hoped?

S: I, and the government at large, view the campaign as a huge success. We’ve managed to eliminate and/or suppress the majority of the undead in the United States, we’ve made all major cities livable, and we’ve created available media with protection and prevention guidelines for our citizens.

I: What was the greatest asset you had for making the cities habitable? Surely the undead were quite numerous.

S: Ironically enough, parkour.

I: Parkour? Can you explain that?

S: Well, we did the normal things like setting up defensible outposts for refugees and quarantining off those we suspected were infected, but each and every one of our raiding parties had to be proficient in parkour and bladed combat. It allowed them to escape and kill undead silently which helps prevent other undead from getting involved. It also helped give them high ground advantage to take out undead as they tried to jump up, and if worst came to worst, it helped them get back to one of our outposts where a swarm of undead could be handled. We affectionately nicknamed them “ninjas.”

I: That definitely seems like an unconventional method.

S: Well, these are unconventional times.

I: I think we can all agree to that. Last question, Mr. Secretary, your brother has just been nominated to run as Vice President for the Democratic candidate. Do you feel your involvement in curbing the Gilgamesh Effect has helped bring him to that position?

S:I wouldn’t know, but I will say this. My brother is an intelligent, hard-working, and moral individual and I know that in these tough times you’ll need all three. So if my position in helping secure the US allowed people to notice my brother, then you’re all better off I promise you.

I: I’m sure we will be with men like you and your brother to lead us. That is all the time we have and thank you for speaking with us. Any last words?

S: Thank you and remember, “If you see undead, aim for the head!”

**Tablet Six note: More with the Secretary of Undead Defense, will be available at a later date.**

666 Event Article: Zombies + Water

666 Event Article

Written by: Greg Simmons

Ahh, the wonderful world of zombies is well upon us and many people have yet to realize some of the finer details about humanity’s common enemy. Ignorance. I bet you were thinking zombies right? Well yes, those buggers are pretty bad as well, but our lack of knowledge about them is far worse.

There is one detail that I have yet to see anyone discuss on the net so I have taken it upon myself to handle the burden. Being the only survivor for one of the incidences I assure that I am fully qualified to touch on this matter.

Zombies and water. What is the connection between the two?  I’m sure most of you have seen zombies wandering around a small pond but never swimming across it. 

Well, zombies cannot swim. 

However, they can walk… and I’m not talking walking on water but underneath it. Go ahead, laugh if you must. But I am a living fact that it is true!

When the Gilgamesh Effect day one hit off, everyone started to panic (“Flesh eaters on the loose! Run!”) only a few managed to hold off the hordes of the once-dead beings. Some of the only places on the planet that staved off the infected were some of the smaller secluded islands. I’m talking about those small islands in the Pacific, like Guam, Marshall Islands and even some of the French Polynesia, not those big freaking tanker sized ones like Cuba and New Zealand.

These islands were small and easy to control what was coming onto the island, and since everyone thought zombies couldn’t swim anyone was in too much of a worry. Out there on the island it was almost like everything was back to normal.

Then one day you wake up to find everyone running around, shooting wildly at everything that moved. Everyone screaming franticly like a broken siren. Inhaling smoke from the surrounding building trying not to cry while keeping your head clear of panic so you can think of what do and then holding your sister’s hand trying to get both of you off this hell island alive…

Once again, zombies can walk underwater, I’m not sure how or why, but they can. It was almost intelligent how they did it really. I went from island to island after my escape heading west towards New Zealand, Australia or whatever large landmass with lots of running room I landed on first. However, the zombies were a step ahead of me each time. It reminded me of something I heard in history class as a boy listening to my teacher lecturing about WWII and a strategy called “island hoping.”

Anyhow, I finally managed to land on Australia.

I end this net addition by once again telling you that- yes, zombies can walk underwater. I have seen them rise out of the bluish green water myself. Watched them devour countless people trapped on a small amount of land with no running room. So stay away from water! It’s not the sanctuary you believe and always give yourself plenty of running room.

   

666 EVENT: Religious Cults Going too Far

666 Event Article

Written by: Thomas Snell 

Being too cocky, just in general, can be a bad thing. However, being uber cocky when it comes to religion, especially when the Gilgamesh Effected are around, is an impulse you should shy away from.

 The world in total has been changed by the presence of zombies. That is a no-brainer. But, I must say, I was genuinely surprised when I heard of the uprising of the various “religious” cults throughout America, using zombies as a form of God’s judgment.

Yes, you read right. Zombies = Religious test.

Let me better explain.

Calling in from Southern Alabama are one of groups of men and women who strongly believe that zombies are just tools that God uses to pick out the “Chosen” and the “Damned.” This group goes from city to city, hulling up in abandoned buildings and then sending a few members out to bag and tag a male and female Gilgamesh Effected. Then, under the veil of night and amidst about fifty crazies, they let their “most devout” walk into a pit to await the Judgment.

Basically, not all zombies completely devour their target human. Some just bite and walk (limp/crawl/Thriller dance) away. Again, scientists still are confused on that one. While other members of the walking dead complete the deed so well that said victim never arises again.

So, in a nutshell: If you are completely devoured, mangled beyond repair, you are apart of the Chosen. Meaning, God has approved your passage to life after death. On the flip side, if you are just bitten and in consequence turn into the dead, you are apart of the Damned. God has denied you life after death and damned you to walk the Earth for eternity as a crazed, sack of lifelessness.

Pretty intense right?

They put their beloved and most “religious” members into a pit with two zombies and wait to see what’s God’s will.

Now, I don’t like to throw my religious opinions out there, but joining a religious group like that just seems like a lose/lose.

-“Hey, want to know if you’re damned to Hell or going to Heaven? It’s so easy!”

--“Sure! What do I need to do?”

-“Go stand in that homemade pit in that abandoned warehouse.”

--“Sounds easy enough! Then what?”

-“Let two zombies either rip you to shreds or turn you into one of them!”

        

I feel like no one get’s the good deal in that scenario.

Update on Tablet Six's future

Dear readers/followers/advice-seekers,


I am really excited to say that there is a lot of Tablet Six activity going on this April. Basically, how I like to roll, is to jam as much awesome as I can into a short amount of time because, let's face it, tomorrows are never guaranteed. (Especially with a bunch of the Gilgamesh Effected running/walking/crawling around.) So let me get you excited and then you go get someone else excited and then we can have a whole slew of excitement. (Just remember not to squeal! Loud noises are, again, not recommended.)


First let me just thank everyone who has sent me articles with their own updates and tips for helping to survive the effects of the Effect. 


Due to numbers and making April awesome, I am going to make April 6 a date to remember. 
On the 6th I will post 6 new articles from 6 individuals as part of the newly created event that will happen every month on the sixth. As usual the writers will have their names posted with their respected articles. Now, what makes this a big deal? Why should you care that your article is a part of the 666 (apart from helping your fellow man and the clever use of the number 6)? 


This leads me into my next piece of exciting news!


Later in the month the launch of the official Tablet Six website will be happening. I'm talking about a website of beauty, blood, and information packed into the most sincere and mind-boggling url you've seen in a while. It will be like this blog...on crack. 


The 6 writers will be the first of many 666 winners posted on the site for the world of the Gilgamesh Effect to see. So, don't forget to write an article for Tablet Six and send it in to the email- gilgamesh.advisor@gmail.com or Facebook message me at Tablet Six.


Also, take part in the referral game! Get 6 of your friends to add me on Facebook and have your picture and a short bio posted on the Tablet Six website! That also goes for people who write!


Thanks for reading guys. I hope you're staying perfumed and alert.

What to Wear: The DOs of the Gilgamesh Effect

Writer: Virginia Spears

Now that we’re all faced with dealing with the living dead on a day-to-day basis, you might question why I’d bother putting together a list of something as seemingly trivial as clothing. But trust me, friends…these essentials could be the difference between life and being eaten alive.

1. Velcro tennis shoes

For those of us who grew up before the Gilgamesh Effect, we know most people didn’t wear Velcro tennis shoes past the age of 6. But these are now worth their weight in gold. I’ve seen first-hand the horrifying result something as simple as an undone shoelace can have when trying to escape a horde of zombies. Word of warning, however: Do NOT readjust the Velcro straps when near a zombie, because the loud “FWAAAPP!” of ripping it open will make the undead come at you like a spider monkey.

2. Sports bras (women)

Whether you’re running for your life or just kicking some zombie ass, the last thing you want to have to worry about is adjusting your bra strap. Sports bras are the practical, worry-free solution to keeping your girls supported.

3. Raincoats

This may not be feasible in the heat of the approaching summer, but any type of water-proof outerwear is recommended. If your encounter with a zombie turns ugly (and by ugly, I mean bloody), you’ll be glad you shielded yourself from the blood spatter. Especially useful if your weapon of choice is an axe, baseball bat or chainsaw.

4. Biker gloves

The best way to keep blisters off your hands while keeping the dexterity of your fingers is biker gloves. These are especially useful with blunt or heavier instruments, such as the axe or baseball bat.

5. Form-fitting clothing

No, I’m not recommending you dress like you just walked out of Hot Topic, but any loose clothing could give zombies an easy way to drag you away. Also avoid pants or jeans that are too long, so you don’t trip.

I’ll post more as they come to me. Hope this helps, fellow Southerners.

Brutes vs Brains: Who is the best companion?

Writer: Sarah Hutto

Let’s be honest.

You have friends. They’re your buddies now, but who are you going to turn to when you see a zombie heading toward you for that delicious nugget hiding in your skull?

Depends on the friend.

Most people will begin to form “allies” outside of their normal circle of friends when the zombie parties begin to show up. Now the problem lies in who you should pick to stand beside you (or who you should choose to run beside. . . got any slow friends?).

Do you go with the brawn? Should you select the biggest, beefiest brute you find to wield a machete? Or, should you pick the nerds from the library? Those people are clever with the traps and the locations. If it came down to one person you had to pick, whom would you choose?

Let’s explore the pros and cons of brains versus brawn.

Brutes: Pros

• Strength. These folks can wield anything from a machete to a baseball bat. A single football player could probably take out twice as many zombies as you with a chainsaw if given the chance. (See previous article on what weapon your brute should hold). Hand him a pipe. You see a silver object used for your plumbing at home. He sees a deadly weapon that’s perfect for smashing and bashing.

• Blood. There will be blood. There will be gore. Have you ever seen a rugby match? Or even a highly aggressive football game? These guys do not let the sight of blood stop them, and who cares if you break a toe or two? Gotta keep playing the game.

Brains: Pros

• Resources. When brutie up there is hacking away with a baseball bat, who’s going through library files looking for maps and resources? That’s right. The brains. They’ll have already mapped out where you can get weapons, food, shelter and water. 

• Communication. When the radios and televisions stop working, everyone sort of shrugs. Meh, radio. When the Internet goes down, the riots begin. With the only knowledge most people have is how to turn a computer on and update their Facebook, there’s not much hope to restore communication . . . unless you have a nerd. Not only have they been taking computers apart since they were five, they have already practiced the art of relaying signals through satellites. Need help? Call on a nerd.

Brutes: Cons

•  Food. What might fill your stomach only feels like a snack to them. They’re used to ordering huge hamburgers with eight glasses of powerade to ease them down. When things get scarce, well, have you ever seen a hungry bear? It’s not fun.

• Long distance. These thugs might be able to throw an axe, but then they have no axe. Who’s to help when thousands of zombies are coming from a mile away? Your brute will charge into the middle of the throes and get themselves killed in seconds.

Brains: Cons

• Power. Sure, they can fix your computer if the electricity is still on. But what happens when the power goes out due to a zombie hunger for electricians? Nobody can turn on a computer if the battery is dead and there’s no power. Unless your nerd happens to work out between reruns of Star Trek, then they too are out of luck.

• Speed. Due to long hours of typing code into a computer, the legs of nerds aren’t always as developed as a normal human being’s. As long as you can protect your nerd, you’ll be alright. What happens, however, when the zombies break through your basement? At least you get saved, because the nerd is going down first.

Those are just the basics, but it’s obvious that strategy is a very important part of the selection process. My selection? I’d go with the brute. I’m a nerd myself, but I know that the only thing I know how to do with a chainsaw is stare at it. So, are you an athlete that spends more time working out than reading books? You might be just my type.

Millbrook, Alabama

Update: Millbrook, Alabama.

Writer: Cody Muzio

Millbrook, Alabama. 

The last place you would expect a zombie outbreak.

It’s no Raccoon City or an abandoned amusement park, or anywhere else you’d anticipate seeing the dead walk.

It’s a small town that encapsulates every stereotype people hold about the South.

White picket fenced-in houses with people sitting on front porches and rowdy redneck teens with shotguns drunkenly driving through mud bogs in the back. 

At least, that’s what it was like before the Gilgamesh Effect set in.

Now it’s… eerily similar.

There are zombies now, of course, and that’s where the big differences come in, but even with that said, life’s not too bad here. 

Most of our businesses are small, except for the Wal-Mart, and most only have one door. 

If you keep it bolted, most zombies aren’t bright enough to get in, though some shop owners will leave their doors unlocked just for the fun of shooting the necrified ex-humans as they walk in. 

For the most part, one can go about their daily life as normal around here, provided they’re armed. 

Hunting rifles (and shotguns) are a southern staple, and around here, there is a good amount of hay so pitchforks are easy to find, too, and can be put to good use.

Something I never expected is the use of the garden hoe, however, an outgrowth of the fact that (pre-Gilgamesh Effect) Millbrook played home to many avid gardeners.

You wouldn’t think it, but I’ve seen enough people around here wield a hoe to decapitate, split skulls and bludgeon brains, that I’ve got good faith in the tool’s use as a valid anti-zombie weapon.

As long as you’ve got one of these (or, really, whatever your personal pick may be), you can live a nice life in Millbrook still. 

Here’s the main reason why: Millbrook zombies are predictable.

The humanoid ones, anyway (zombified animals can be tricky, but more on that another day).

Want me to let you in on a secret I’ve picked up? 

If a person had a habit firmly enough ingrained into them in life, they'd still follow a form of that as a zombie.

And Millbrook is a habit-inducing place.  Always has been.

No, zombies obviously aren’t going to act exactly as they did as true living people, but there is an unmistakable semblance of routine.

Zombies don’t really sleep, but they do rest, and often you can find them on the front porches I mentioned earlier doing just that.

Can zombies drive cars?  Thank GOD, no.

But younger, high-school aged zombies can frequently be seen milling around various places a high-schooler might attend depending on the type of kid they once were, such as the aforementioned mud bogs (my personal favorite zombie location).

It’s become sport in the area from time to time to head out to a muddied field and pick off the zombies hopelessly stuck flailing around waist deep in mud.

Your redneck types are also spotted in the woods, sometimes trying unsuccessfully to get into tree stands as if there’s something calling them there that says they need the high ground.

Public schools are also havens for zombies during early hours, which makes it optimal time for running errands around town.

Don’t ever try to go there, though. 

Even skilled zombie hunters stay away.  There are too many halls and rooms and closets that there’s just no way to watch all sides.

If you venture into a school during zombie time… I pray you’re right with God.

Which brings me to a much better place to consider: churches. 

Sacrilegious as it sounds, these are some of the best places for killing zombies… if you’re the kind that enjoys doing so for fun.

You see, like I said, habits that are deep enough remain in zombies, and Millbrook is a place where there’s not a lot going on.

People do the same things day after day after day after day.

And so do zombies somewhat. 

They’re easily distracted and won’t always flock to the same locations at the same time as they would in life, and they certainly won’t do anything while they’re there (ever seen a zombie sing gospel music?  It won’t happen… which is probably a good thing).

Yet, there still seems to be something planted in their mush brains telling them this is where they need to be.

Thrill seekers have made it a point to visit churches in Millbrook and its surrounding area on Sunday mornings (how zombies seem to keep track of days when I’ve been known to sleep through Thursday still blows my mind) and go nuts. 

You’ll find scores packed into the sanctuary scuffling around, and it is, admittedly, quite impressive to watch these teams bust through stained glass windows with automatic weapons blazing and blades strapped to their backs and then see them cut through the horde like something out of a Wachowski Brothers film.

If you’re ever on your way through, or you’re looking for a nice place to settle and given up on the idea of a zombie-less safe-haven, Millbrook will do you right. 

Keep in mind where the zombies will be at what time and make sure you’ve got something on you for the occasional wanderer, and life here is not too bad. 

There’s not too many of us still here, but we make do and enjoy each other’s company.

We even have a Millbrook marriage coming up soon.

One final warning, though… while most zombie habits aren’t of the same intensity as human habits, there is one that seems to actually increase in fervor after infection.

I hate to say it, but if you’re black and in Millbrook… run.

Top 10 Instruments of Doom

Modern Tools vs Zombies

Comment that inspired this post:

            “How would 21st-century technology come into fighting off the hordes? I understand that we are limited in what we can fight with (assuming throwing BlackBerrys at the living dead doesn't work), but what is one advantage to having modern technology?”

Throwing your BlackBerry at a zombie is only a good idea if you’re trapped and it’s a last stand type of deal.

So, that is only advised in a “oh-shit-I’m-about-to-die” type sitch.

Now, let’s talk modern technology versus our Gilgamesh zombies.

First of all, I’m defining ‘modern technology’ as everyday things that most people have. I have asked a few of the South’s citizens what their favorite weapon of choice was when the zombie attack was in full swing and from that, I have compiled a list.

Top 10 Instruments of Doom

The South's Favorites

1.     Machete

Hands down, this was the number one favorite killer of zombies when shit hit the fan. I would couple this with all other bladed-weapons, but many people specifically used machetes.

Reasoning (as given by a Nina Scaletti): “Blades don’t need reloadin’.” True that, Nina. True that.

2.     Shotgun

I feel like no matter what the situation is, the South’s love of shotguns remains strong. This firearm was a crowd-pleaser. This usually smoothbore weapon was often used in a conjunction with our beloved machetes.

Reasoning: It’s a shotgun.

3.     Crossbow

Surprisingly, the crossbow was also very popular during the dead siege. For seasoned hunters, the crossbow changed a need to survive into a competitive sport. It may not be the weapon you need for the up close and personal meetings, but for long range it was just like shooting fish in a barrel.

Reasoning: You can pin them to trees… and easy recovery of ammo.

4.     Ax

I don’t need to speculate why some people chose an ax as their primary weapon. People cleaved like there was no tomorrow. Nothing beats the feel of a baseball bat that has a sharp blade attached to its end.

Reasoning: “There’s nothing like yelling ‘Off with their heads!’ while chopping zombies’ noggins off.”

5.     Swords

I was surprised at the amount of people in the South that owned swords. However, this bladed-weapon was seen often, wielded by wannabe samurais and Lord of the Ring fanatics.

Reasoning: You can’t beat the classy of a nice sword.

Now that we’ve done the top five favorite zombie weapons, the next five are less sensible but definitely the more creative weapons that people used during the thick of the apocalypse.

6.     Pitchfork

This is the farmer’s weapon of choice (minus the shotgun) with its sharp prongs and enough reach to where you didn’t have to be all up in your target’s face.

Con: When surrounded by zombies, using a pitchfork can be a slow, tedious affair.

7.     Vehicle

They may make noise, but these were used to basically run over zombies in mass. Depending on what kind of vehicle you had, maiming the walking dead in this manner was definitely a worthwhile practice.

Con: Not all vehicles are created equal. The Prius may be cute, but it can only take so much.

8.     Chainsaw

Blades. Revolving. Makes sense. You don’t have to use a ton of strength to cut off their heads, just push it at them.

Con: Let’s revisit the zombie rules. Noise drives them crazy. Chainsaws are extremely loud and, even if they are handy one-on-one, if you attract 20 of them with its noise, there could be some problems with killing all of the rest without getting hurt.

9.     Homemade flamethrower

Women tended to use this the most during the beginning of the onslaught. Ample amount of hairspray and lighters, they would draw the zombies away from their homes and torch the suckers and let them burn out.

Con: Zombies don’t freak out when on fire, even if it eventually stops them and rekills them. So if you torch them too close to your home, there’s a good chance they will catch it on fire. Or you for that matter.

10. Baseball bat

It’s simple and to the point. A blunt object, if swung right, can knock your zombie attackers away long enough for you to run. If you’re upper arm strength is amazing, you can even do some real damage to their head but it might take a while.

Con: People who lack upper arm strength may as well be swatting the zombies with a twig. Without a blade attached, this weapon is more of a defensive one rather than offensive.

There it is. The Top 10 Instruments of Doom. These were and are the favorites of the South. I’m sure there are a lot more, and if you would like to share your personal favorite or a story about a time you used something particularly interesting, let me know! Leave a comment or e-mail me at gilgamesh.advisor@gmail.com.

Remember guys, I WILL respond via blog, so don’t be shy!